Hebrews 11:41

If you attempt to look up the passage that is the title of this post, you will not find it.  Hebrews 11:41 does not exist.  It is the space into which I'm praying my testimony of faith could some day be inserted.  Now, before you accuse me of adding to the Word of God, let me clarify that I don't mean my testimony will literally be inserted in Scripture.  What I mean is that I want to live a life that creates a testimony like those listed in the "Hall of Faith" in Hebrews 11.  I want to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and ... run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." (Hebrews 12:1)

That is the commitment I made to God and myself after spending a wonderfully refreshing 48 hours in His presence.  I found a farm house near Greencastle, PA, that has been set up to provide a place for personal retreats (check out Bain House Ministries), and I was able to spend my weekend away from the distractions of my life, completely focused on God and hearing His voice.  I could write all day about what He spoke to my heart, but I'll limit myself to a few highlights.  If you want to hear more, feel free to ask. :)

1. A 5-disc CD player is an excellent investment in your worship life. I spent the first hour or so of my time there with 5 different worship CDs in the player which I set on "random" so it would shuffle through all the discs and all the songs.  It was so sweet to just lose myself in the presence of God as I sang my heart out.  And each song proved to be important in preparing my heart for the rest of the weekend.  The setting may be called "random", but I'm pretty sure God was deliberate in deciding which songs I would hear and in what order.

2. God will be faithful to answer when you ask for something that's in line with what He's doing.  I have been reading a book on co-dependency (something I realized I struggle with) and started working through some of the steps to recovery laid out in the book.  I asked God to help me remember things about my childhood that I have long forgotten so I might have a more accurate picture of my past and how it has affected me.  He faithfully brought things to my mind that I hadn't thought of in years.  I know that this is something He is working on with me in an attempt to bring healing and wholeness, so He was more than willing to provide the tools I needed to continue walking with Him in this journey.

3. I struggle with the fear that I will fail God.  I was blessed to have access to the DVD teachings from a Beth Moore Bible study called "Believing God".  God used those ten sessions to speak new things to my heart, to encourage me, to teach me, and to heal me.  One of the things He helped me to see is that I have been paralyzed by a fear of failing Him.  The overall subject of the "Believing God" study is about believing God to lead us into our "promised lands", the places where our theology merges with our reality and we walk out what we say we believe.  I have been afraid to enter mine because I've been believing that I will fail God in whatever He has planned for me.  In what can only be a God-moment, He reminded me through prayer that I am strong (one of the words He used to describe me) and then, in the next DVD segment, reminded me of His admonition to "Be strong and courageous" in Joshua 1.  It was like He was saying, "You ARE strong... now go out there and BE strong."  And in that same moment, He reminded me that HE will never fail me.  It's not about my failing Him... no matter what, His grip on me is strong and secure.  The question is whether or not I'll hang on to Him and trust Him for whatever He has in store.

4. I am a THIS; I am no longer a THAT.  I struggle almost constantly with defining myself by my past choices, sin, mistakes, etc.  I believe that because I acted like a selfish, needy, addict, I am a selfish, needy, addict.  And even though I have been forgiven of those choices and set free from my addiction and am learning to satisfy my needs with God, I still walk around bearing my reproach, believing that God and the world around me are defining me by my past.  But the reality is that Jesus took my reproach on Himself when He hung on the cross for me.  He took my guilt and my shame.  It's foolish for us both to be carrying it around.  Through faith, that reproach, guilt, and shame were removed during the process of spiritual circumcision when the old self was removed from me.  Now I get to put on the new self.  THIS is what I am now; I am not THAT anymore.  So I will stop and think and make decisions based on being a THIS and not a THAT.  I will not believe anyone who tries to convince me that I'm still a THAT.  There will probably be times when I act like a THAT, but it won't mean I am one... It will simply be an opportunity for me to thank God for setting me free to be a THIS and to choose to believe that I am a THIS even when I mess up and act like a THAT.  (Confused yet?)

I'm so grateful to God for the weekend He gave me.  I can't really fathom the idea that He delighted in orchestrating things so that He and I could have this time together.  As much as I wanted the time with Him, He wanted the time with me more.  How amazingly awesome is that?!?  I encourage you to make time to spend in the presence of your God.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and then wait in expectancy for Him to do so.  He loves nothing more than spending time with you.

P.S. Check out the blog of two amazingly insightful and honest young women I know: Be Anything But Quiet.  I'm looking forward to hearing more from these two.