SPOILER ALERT: If you have not watched the December 11th episode of Once Upon A Time (titled "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"), DO NOT read any farther... unless, of course, you don't actually watch the show and don't mind having it spoiled for you.
Last night's episode was the first in which the writers killed off a character we actually know and care about. Or at least care about somewhat. We haven't gotten to see much of Graham, the sheriff of Storybrooke, and what we have seen hasn't really been endearing (besides the fact that he's super attractive). But this episode is all about him... Last week, Emma caught him sneaking out of the mayor's house and (correctly) deduced that he and the mayor have been sleeping together for a while. This week, Graham tries to explain that he feels nothing for the mayor. In fact, he really feels nothing at all. Except when he's with Emma. Which of course leads him to kiss her (Guys: this is not an appropriate way to express your desire for a relationship... Use your words, please!)... But when he kisses her, he starts to remember who he really is.
Turns out, Graham is the huntsman the Evil Queen charged with the task of killing Snow White. We all know how the story goes: he can't bring himself to kill her, so he takes the heart of a deer back to the Queen, who cuts his heart out instead when she discovers that he tricked her. In this version, the Queen literally rips out his heart, but he continues to live. He will forever be her "pet", controlled by her, unable to go against her wishes. And if he ever dares to defy her, she will crush his heart and he will die. In Storybrooke, this translates to a man who has no heart. There's something beating inside his chest, but the emotions and feelings that reside in the heart don't exist for him. He feels nothing. And now he has come to the point where he is tired of living life that way. He begins the hunt for his heart.
Meanwhile, Emma's anger at Graham for his relationship with the mayor seems to mask the disappointment and sadness she feels. Although she won't admit it, Emma has developed feelings for Graham, feelings that make his actions seem like a betrayal. As Mary Margaret points out, though, Emma has spent her life building up a wall around her heart in an attempt to protect herself from pain. And while it's keeping pain out, it's also doing a good job of not letting love in either.
I find it interesting how clearly these stories portray two sides of a very real human problem: the death of our hearts. How often do you find yourself wishing to feel... something... anything? Those moments when hope and joy and love seem distant, when even pain would be better than the numbness. Do we not realize what Jesus meant when he said the thief comes to steal? Satan will do whatever he can to kill your heart by robbing you of hope and joy and love and any other feeling that might lead you to live the abundant life Jesus meant for you. Like the Evil Queen, he will rip your heart from you and hold it in his control, squeezing just enough until you surrender to him. His threats will leave you helpless, wondering why you feel nothing, and yet giving up any hope of something better.
On the flip side, how many of us choose to kill our own hearts? As Emma does, we build up walls around our hearts to protect them. We choose not to feel anything because it only leads to pain. Our past experiences have taught us that we need to make sure our hearts are safe, so we stop trusting, hoping, wanting, loving. We don't let anyone get close enough to hurt us. And we certainly don't let our hearts speak the desires that reside inside them because we know all too well that those desires might never be fulfilled. We choose to feel nothing and give up any hope of something better.
Here's the thing: God designed us to have living hearts! Obviously we need them in the physical sense to pump blood through our bodies. But we also need them to give life to our spirits and our emotions. We were meant to feel and to have desires. Without them, we aren't really living. The good news is that we can find life for our hearts in God. Whether your heart is dead because Satan has killed it or because you have killed it (or perhaps some combination of both), God can and will make it alive again. He can wrench it from Satan's grasp and breathe new life into it. He can break down the walls you have built around it and breathe new life into it. One of the greatest promises in Scripture is the one where God promises to give us a new heart, a heart of flesh that is full of life. And we can place that same heart, with all its feelings and desires, into the hands of a God who promises to protect and fight for it. That doesn't mean we won't experience pain, but it does mean that we will experience healing when that pain comes. The journey to find your heart and bring it back to life will be a difficult one. But if you choose to take it, your Guide is wise and patient, and He will make the journey worth the taking.
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