Over the last couple of weeks, various views about marriage have presented themselves and set me thinking about how our society seems to be lacking a good vision for marriage.
The first view appeared on the website "Pinterest", a place where people "pin" pictures of just about anything to virtual bulletin boards. Recently, people have been pinning pictures of things to be added to their Bucket Lists (that list of things you want to do before you die). One bucket list item I saw was "To be married to the same person for more than 50 years". I was shocked! Why is that an item on your bucket list? Isn't that part of the vow you make when you get married: "till death do us part"? That shouldn't be something to be checked off a list of accomplishments! It should be your mindset before you even enter into a dating relationship! If you aren't in it for the long haul, then what's the point? In a world where more than 40% of marriages end in divorce, though, it shouldn't be surprising that a long, happy marriage seems more of an unattainable dream than "meeting Justin Bieber" or "celebrating New Year's in Times Square".
Less than 24 hours later, the second view showed up in an article about the demise of Kim Kardashian's marriage. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually skimmed the article in a magazine while waiting to get my hair cut. Maybe the fact that I was already thinking about the sad state of marriage (thanks to the Pinterest experience of the previous day) led me to see what the journalists at US Magazine had to say about why Kim's marriage fell apart. There was quite a bit of speculation about whether the relationship had even been real to begin with-- perhaps it was just a publicity stunt. But there was one sentence that struck me the most: "Kim & Kris weren't able to live together for more than a week before the wedding." Supposedly offered by members of her family, this view lays the blame on the lack of opportunity for cohabitation before they were married. "If they'd only lived together longer, they would have had a better chance." This fits so nicely into the "try before you buy" mindset that I've heard from so many people over the years. You can't really know a person until you live with them, so you obviously shouldn't get married until you've lived together for at least a year. Nevermind the fact that cohabitation before marriage actually increases your chances of getting divorced (if you ever do get married).
The third view came on New Year's Eve via the character of Charlotte Lucas in one of my favorite movies: Pride & Prejudice. Regarding Jane Bennet's relationship with Mr. Bingley, Charlotte says, "She should show more affection even than she feels so she can secure him as quickly as possible." When Lizzy protests that Jane should wait to know more of his character, Charlotte states that there is plenty of time for that after the wedding, much the opposite idea of needing to spend time living together before entering into marriage. Of course, Charlotte spouts this view in the context of a time when women had no hope of financial security outside of marrying well-- one must snatch up a husband quickly or risk not having one at all. Unfortunately, this view persists today in the form of both women and men so desperate for the companionship of marriage, they do what it takes to secure the first person who shows interest without regard for finding out the true character.
All of these views seem to stem from a self-centered vision for marriage. "This marriage may or may not last for a lifetime; it depends on how happy this person makes me." "I have to make sure this person really does make me happy before I can commit to marriage." "We've only known each other for two weeks, but this person makes me happy so we're getting married." The only desire is for ones own happiness; the other person never really enters the picture.
In pondering these views, I began to question my own vision for marriage. Are there elements of these views that have crept in unnoticed? How much of my desire for marriage is self-centered and how much is God- and others-centered? Part of God's vision for marriage is our human need for relationship, but it is a relationship that puts the needs of the other person above our own, a relationship in which our happiness is bound up in the happiness of the other. It is a relationship in which each person helps the other become the best version of himself or herself. Another of my favorite characters (this time from Louisa M. Alcott's "Rose In Bloom"), articulates it this way: "... I think I shall ask some good woman to 'lend a hand' when I've got anything worth offering her. Not a saint, for I never shall be one myself, but a gentle creature who will help me, as I shall try to help her." The other part of God's vision for marriage is more public. He gives us marriage as the best example of the love Christ has for us: sacrificial, intimate, eternal. Our vision for marriage should include a desire to reflect that love well to the world around us. Others should be blessed by our marriages. We should be ministering through our marriages because God calls together in marriage those who can accomplish more of His work as a couple than they can alone.
I pray that my vision for marriage will be God's and that I will someday find a man who shares it. In the meantime, I pray that even as a single woman, I can play a part in the work of fixing society's warped view of marriage. There are two books I want to recommend to both single people and married people: Love & War by John & Stasi Eldredge and Real Marriage by Mark & Grace Driscoll. Read them with a heart open to God's teaching. Let Him change your vision for marriage to one that will bring Him glory and bring you joy.
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