For as long as I can remember I have thought of myself as the "ugly sister" in my family. Abby was the gorgeous one; Beth was athletic and seemed to be at home in her body; Sarah was a combination of both. I had nothing to offer when it came to physical beauty. I remember observing with tears the beautiful curls in my sisters' hair while my own hair continued to hang stick straight even after being wrapped around the same type of curlers for the same amount of time as theirs. I have long hated my nose. And even though I'm skinny, swimsuit shopping is one of my least favorite things.
In second grade this belief that I was not beautiful was reinforced in one of my most vivid memories from childhood. At recess one day, a friend informed the boy I had a crush on that I liked him. His response? He literally threw me to the ground and informed me that he could never like me. I was devestated and internalized the message that I was unattractive. (Did I mention that I had recently started wearing glasses?)
As I started what became a 9-year struggle with addiction, I began to believe that in addition to a lack of physical beauty, my sin took any hope of having an inner beauty to offer. I was dirty and disgusting and no guy would ever want me. To make matters worse, as an outcome of my addiction, I started to believe that the only thing a guy wanted from a girl anyway was what she was willing to give him physically. Logic told me that if I couldn't attract a guy with physical beauty or inner beauty then I'd have to settle for giving of myself physically.
I started dating a guy in high school. We actually took things really slow as far as the physical stuff goes... Our first kiss came 5 months after we officially started dating. He told me often that I was beautiful, but I had already convinced myself that I wasn't, so his words never really took root in my heart. When our relationship became focused on "making out" (not so long after our first kiss), I started to freak out... unconsciously. I wanted to be wanted, but I also wanted to be wanted for more than my kissing ability. I eventually broke it off with him. I longed for the kind of relationship where our hearts were the focus.
Over the last 9 years I have been attracted to various guys, but no one has shown interest in me. I have offered my heart a few times, only to have it rejected. I have made choices out of my belief that I could only ever be wanted physically. The wounds have been deep- some self-inflicted; some coming from others (who, for the most part, did not intend to wound). And the wounds have all strengthened the belief that I am not beautiful, inside or out, that I do not have what it takes to attract the attention of a man, to create a desire in him to pursue my heart.
Over the last few months, God has been doing battle with that belief. He has been revealing and healing my wounds and helping me to see how they have affected what I believe about myself. He has started with my inner beauty (after all, that's the most important). He has faithfully and graciously taught me that I am not dirty and disgusting. He has taught me how to see myself through His eyes: a woman, the "crown of creation", the image of His glory. He has created me to be loving, nurturing, kind, tender, loyal, strong, gracious, forgiving. Even if I'm not perfect at those things, they provide an inner beauty I am called to share with the world.
I spent the last 6 weeks studying the book of Ruth. The love story in this book is one I long to have be true of me (well, minus the whole gleaning in the fields thing... lol). Boaz probably first spots Ruth because she's a stranger in his fields, but when he hears of her relationship with Naomi, he his drawn to Ruth's kindness (hesed in the Hebrew which is associated with covenant love). When Ruth essentially asks Boaz to marry her, he heartily agrees because of her noble character (Ruth 3:11). Over time she has proven that what he first observed in her continues to be true. Although the author of Ruth does not use the word love, Boaz's actions toward her demonstrate that he has fallen in love with this woman... and all because of her character.
While I still struggle to see my physical beauty, I am praying that God would continue to produce in me a noble character... not just for the sake of attracting a man, but also to be a means of revealing some aspect of God's character to the world around me, to invite them into relationship with the Beautiful One I love more than life itself.
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