Who God Really Is

Don't let the title deceive you.  This post will not tell you who God really is... In fact, this post is about the fact the I'm realizing that I really have no clue who God really is...

I'm still reading "Crazy Love"... and it's been challenging me... alot...

Tonight I spent some time thinking about my view of God... What do I truly think and believe about him?  Here's what I came up with:
- He's "there"... some sort of vague presence that I can't always sense or feel
- He's the one I turn to when I can't fix something on my own (unless, of course, I just decide to give up and let the thing reman broken... which happens more often than I'd like to admit)
- He scares me... not just a reverential awe... but there are times when I'm just plain scared of God-- mostly because of the guilt that I continue to dwell in because of my past sin... I fear his response to my daring to come into his presence
- I don't want him to have control of my life because I fear he will make me do things I don't like... I fear he will call me to give up all the stuff that I have desired for so long
- I see him as unwilling or unable to protect me
- I very often see him as unloving simply because he hasn't given me so many of the things I want

But despite that view of God, I still have a desire to follow him... a desire that's usually born out of fear, though.  My love for God is feeble at best.  It is easily overpowered by my love for myself and the things that seem to make me happy and comfortable...

I think that is changing... I think God has been working in my heart to increase my love and desire for him.  I know that will happen more and more as I come to know who he really is... He isn't some cosmic dictator who is waiting around for me to screw up so he can punish me.  He isn't Santa Claus, waiting around to give me everything I ask for.  He isn't a puppet master, controlling my every move.

He is the creator of the universe-- big enough to hold millions of galaxies in his hands, yet small enough to be present with me in every moment of every day.  He sees the oceans like a drop in a bucket, yet knows every intimate detail about me.  He is the author of the story I'm living in, writing an epic masterpiece.  But he's also the hero of that story, pursuing my heart because he loves me intimately and passionately.  He is infinitely holy and just, but he places himself between me and my sin so my past can be erased and I can be who I was created to be.  He has enough love to love every person who ever lived or will live more deeply than we can fathom, and yet he would love me just the same if I were the only human being who ever existed.  He is beyond my comprehension and yet he promises that I can know him-- he calls me to know him.  And it is in that knowing that my love and desire for him increases and my life becomes fuller, richer as I begin to live for him out my love for him.  I want to be crazy in love with him because I know he is crazy in love with me.