I finished "Crazy Love" and have moved on to my other readable Christmas gift: "The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship" by Sarah Zacharias Davis. I'm only about halfway through it, but I'm definitely recommending it for any woman who has friends. It's one of those books where the author invites you into her exploration of the topic at hand. She asks questions and share her thoughts on what the answers might be. It's basically verbal processing in book form, and I love it. :-)
And of course, I'm learning quite a bit about myself and friendships and how the two things relate. In one of the first chapters, Davis discusses the roles we tend to take on in our friendships. The first one she talks about fits me to a T. She refers to it as the "Meg friend", named after the eldest March sister in "Little Women". This is the friend who is always taking care of everyone else and making the plans... Totally me! And being a nurturing person is not necessarily a bad thing. But it can be when it becomes the role we play. This is how co-dependent relationships are formed. One person has needs and the other constantly tries to fill them. Not a good thing. Trust me, I know this.
As I read, I started to understand some things about my current friendships. I had often wondered why my friend Sarah's tendency to be the protector sometimes irritates me. Now I realize it's because I was choosing to see that as my role... and she was usurping it. But it's been such a good thing. The two women I consider to be my closest friends at the moment won't let me play the Meg role. Instead, they have created a balance of give and take where each person gets to nurture and be nurtured as the need arises. It has been a freeing experience to just be myself-- my weak, tired, messy self-- and still be loved and accepted.
And it is precisely because of this that these two women have become my "favorites". In a later chapter, Davis talks about our desire to be "the favorite"... something I relate to quite well. I have spent much of my life trying to prove I was worthy of being the favorite... the favorite child, student, friend... I care deeply for people, and I am fiercely loyal to my friends. I don't want to dismiss that completely because I know these are good traits that God has given me. But I'm also realizing that I have often allowed my motivation for caring or being loyal to be that of winning myself the prize of being "the favorite" instead of simply loving other people. It's ironic because my desire to "belong" to someone-- to know I can count on someone else, to have our souls connected-- has actually kept me from experiencing that because I have made it my focus. I have pushed and prodded and coerced my friendships to death in a desperate attempt to reassure myself that I'm worth loving. For some reason these two women have been able to wade through that and have managed to forge a connection with my soul-- a connection that challenges, encourages, blesses, and heals. There are still moments when I want to be called their favorite, but the majority of the time it is more than enough simply to be connected and to bestow on them the label of "favorite".
As God continues to work in me, the desire to be the favorite is transforming into a desire to simply build and maintain connections with people. My focus is shifting from doing things so others will appreciate me to doing things (at God's prompting) just to bless people. I don't always get it right, but I think I'm getting better... And God is graciously allowing me to be blessed in the process.
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