Messing Up

This weekend I messed up... big time.  I chose to act on my emotions (some of which were legitimate and some of which were not) in a way that hurt someone I love very much.  It was another occurrence of a pattern of behavior God has been revealing to me over the last few months:  Something doesn't go according to my plan and I throw a fit... like a 4-year-old... Much of my response comes from my willingness to believe the lie that things are being done on purpose to hurt me or that the other person isn't disappointed when extenuating circumstances prevent the plan from working out.  A couple months ago, a friend pointed out that this behavior is annoying and frustrating because it's not who I really am.  Friday night this same friend helped me to see that this behavior also hurts people.

I made a friend cry... that realization was like a knife to my heart.  I sobbed as I literally laid myself at God's feet to ask for forgiveness and help to change.  And then I apologized to the person I hurt and asked her forgiveness for being an unmitigated ass.  She graciously forgave me, and our friendship continues even though I don't deserve it (a picture of God's graciousness).  I hope that this is the last time I have to apologize for the choices I make... but I know that I am far from perfect and that change takes time.

So... why share all this?  I don't really know who (if anyone) is reading this... but I feel it's important that you know I'm not perfect.  I mess up.  I can post a blog entry about the things God is teaching me and then turn around and act in a way that goes totally against that.  I'm still a work in progress... a work that needs a lot of grace.  But I'm fully believing that no matter how many times I mess up, God won't give up on me... and from what I can see, I have been blessed with friends who choose to see what God is doing in me and offer grace when I act outside of that-- in other words, they aren't giving up on me either.  That's humbling.  I pray that you might know the gracious love of our great God... it's the only thing that keeps me going.