Sunday was a day of mixed emotions. I was supposed to fly out of Baltimore at noon, heading to Oklahoma to visit friends. But God and the weather had other plans. The snow closed BWI, but not a friend's church which has a small contemporary Sunday evening service. I went Sunday night, looking forward to seeing some friends I hadn't seen in a while, but I left having experienced so much more. The scripture for the sermon that evening was 1 Samuel 3:1-11-- the story of Samuel being called by God-- but the pastor focused on Hannah and the prayer that brought Samuel into existence. God spoke to my heart that evening, but also prompted me to spend some time in this portion of scripture over the last couple of days.
If you don't know the story, the basic gist is that Hannah is one of two women married to Elkanah. Penninah, the other wife, has kids, but Hannah is unable to bear children. Every year when the family travels to the temple, Penninah ridicules Hannah and provokes her to tears. This goes on for years until Hannah finally asks God to give her a son, promising to give him back to God.
As I read, a number of things struck me...
First of all, Hannah doesn't make this request right away. The writer of 1 Samuel uses the phrase "year after year" twice in this first chapter. This tells us that the story isn't taking place in Hannah's first year of marriage; years have gone by. Although she may have been praying for a child during all of that time, she doesn't come a point of pouring out her heart to God until now. This request is not just a want... it is a time-tested desire.
Second, the writer uses the phrase "bitterness of soul" to describe Hannah's emotional state. She doesn't hide how she feels about the situation. She is discontent without children. She has been enduring the ridicule of Penninah but not without pain. The words 'grief' and 'anguish' paint a picture of a heart breaking over a situation that is completely out of her control. This same phrase is used three other times in the NIV translation of the Bible-- all three instances are in Job. "Bitterness of soul" is absolute and utter desolation and discomfort; there is no glimmer of joy or hope of anything good.
These first two thoughts were convicting for me. On Sunday night I was hearing the sermon and applying it in the context of a situation in my life that has often provoked me to tears. Hurt, frustration, anger, discontent-- I, like Hannah, have known all of these in relationship to this situation. But I have been reluctant to bring the situation before God. Now I realize that I'm allowed to do that. I can bring my pain to Him and make my requests known. But even in the midst of that, I need to gain some perspective. My situation is nothing compared to Hannah's. It hasn't been going on for years... and what I want to see happen is not a time-tested desire... it is merely what I want because I know it will make me feel better. Yes... I have experienced pain, but not the years of grief and anguish that Hannah had... not to mention the fact that my situation is somewhat a result of my own choices and not completely out of my control.
I'm still processing through this stuff... and there are other points that stood out to me... so... more to come on this subject.
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