I will not go quietly...

Sometimes I just want to grab Satan by the neck and say, "Shut up and go to hell!" 

See... he has this incredibly annoying and disheartening ability to know just what to say to crush my soul.  Sometimes he manages to speak through other people... but usually he just goes the direct route and gets right up to my ear and whispers for a while.  It doesn't take long for the words to make their way to my brain where they are quickly analyzed, deemed to be true, and shipped off to my hear to lodge like arrows in the most vulnerable parts of my self-image. 

Case in point... Yesterday I finished "The Friends We Keep" and started going through the discussion questions in the back (I figure it's just as worthwhile to have a discussion with myself as it would be to discuss it with other people).  The first two questions were answered pretty quickly and uneventfully.  Just reading the third question caused me to cringe in anticipation of Satan's mouth at my ear once again, whispering seeds of self-doubt into existence. 

The question was a two-parter... Part 1: In what ways do your friendships enrich your life?  Pretty straightforward and definitely easy to answer.  In the last year, God has chosen to bless me with friends who add depth and texture to my life, and He's been teaching me to be uber grateful for them.  They ahve taught me so many things about love and grace and acceptance, provided a safe space for processing and healing, and have been a source of comfort and strength in the midst of a chaotic year.  I don't think I'm exaggerating even a little to say that my friendships literally keep me from going crazy.  I probably could have spent the better part of a day writing out all of the specific ways my friendships have enriched my life, but I kept it to general concepts and moved on to the second part of the question feeling somewhat buoyed from having called to mind some of the blessings in my life. 

Part 2: In what ways do you enrich the lives of your friends? 

"None!" 

I was expecting it, but the word still slammed into my hear with enough force that it would have taken my breath away had it been a physical punch.  Satan spoke almost before I finished reading the question.  I tried to deflect the arrow with truth: "I offer a listening ear." 

"Yeah... you just sit and listen cause you have nothing good to offer in the way of insight and advice... you aren't as spiritually 'in tune' as someone like Sarah." 

Did he really just go there?  I pretend I didn't hear it and write, "I offer encouragement... I choose to bless them with meaningful gifts and by meeting needs when I can..." 

"And do you ever get thanked for it?"

I grit my teeth and counter with "That's NOT why I do it." 

His voice continues until I finally scream (in my head) "Shut up!  You have no right to be here in this moment.  You have no right to speak to me.  What you say is not true." 

To my amazement, he actually listens... the only voice I hear is God's as He brings to mind a few more things to add to my list.  And a few hours later, Heather (completely unaware of this exchange with Satan) speaks another truth to me about how I enrich her life.  For the moment, Satan is defeated. 

These incidents don't always work out this way.  Sometimes I don't choose to fight.  Sometimes I let the arrows fall where they may and simply accept what Satan says as truth.  In fact, as I started writing this post, Satan started working again in a different situation.  In an attempt to fight him, I had to get up and walk the length of the airline terminal where I was waiting with Sarah on our way home from Oklahoma.  As I walked, I went through each thing Satan was saying to me and countered it with truth.  It helped, but Satan wasn't going to give up easily.  After we boarded the plane, I wound up sharing my struggle with Sarah... I didn't want to.  I wanted to just give up.  but I'm kind of done with the whole giving up scenario.  So I basically called for backup... and Sarah willingly stepped up to the fight, speaking truth to help me kick Satan in the face.  I'm so grateful for friends who will fight for me spiritually whether I know they're doing it or not.  I'm slowly coming to the realization that I can't do this alone... and that this is ok... Satan may think he's got the upper hand, but with God and friends on my side, I will kick Satan's ass!